Putting Relationships First?

Sep 14, 2024

It may not always be the best way to live your life.

Many people have told me how they are rethinking their investments in intimate relationships and whether those decisions were right. Perhaps their lives would have been more fulfilling if they had put that time, energy, and commitment elsewhere.

Of course, there will always be those who still want a lifetime partner and the blessings that traditional life choices can bring when relationships work as promised. They refer to themselves as hopeless romantics and are not conflicted about thinking and being that way. Allocating huge amounts of time to find that unlikely romantic needle in a haystack is still worth it to them.

In contrast, these new thinkers are more honestly looking at the harsh realities of the odds against those choices working out and wonder if investing in things over which they have more control is a better choice. Because fantasy relationship hopes seem to be an iffy investment at best, why not choose to put the same drive, energy, and commitment into causes, careers, adventures, or friendships that are much more likely to create consistent fulfillment? And to do that with the same desire to be a quality person whose beliefs and actions are seen as valuable?

Those who have made that choice tell me how much more in control and less distressed they are. They don’t feel pressured to use the preponderance of their life force in searching for the “right one.” Suppose someone comes into their lives who understand the importance of personal freedom within the commitment. In that case, they are happy to participate, but being tied to another is an untenable choice, no matter how they feel.

They tell me they feel more interesting and interested in others without fear of outcome driving their behavior. They don’t make promises they cannot keep or hang out with people that do not have reciprocal thought patterns. They know they will have to leave old patterns and expectations behind and embrace a future that is not an automatic extension of their past.

The types of these new relationship pilgrims I’m describing are not narcissists, nor ego-centered people, as we have been taught to associate them with. They don’t manipulate or pretend to be someone they’re not. They are committed, instead, to being real and focusing on how to live the most fulfilling life and how that will make them value others in a new and more vital way.

If their choices to fulfill their reasons for being and acting in this new way are seen by others as selfish, they agree that they may appear that way, but they would change that description to self-sustaining and self-healing. Regenerated and more able to be fully present, they feel what they offer will ultimately be more valuable to those they spend time with. And that turns out to be true.

Unobligated nor entrapped, they are more able to treasure the people they love and respect but do not find any compelling reason to do or think as they do. They have no desire to get in the way of another person’s choices, not automatically sacrificing their commitments or dreams unless that decision is the best for both over time. Nor would they ever want that from anyone else.

As a result, they can be more honest about who they are and willing to share that without animosity or arrogance. They are the most “trust-able” relationship people that exist because they do not lie about being someone they are not. And, they can be counted on to behave in the same way whether they are with their partner. They have nothing to hide.

Of course, there are real concerns about these choices. What happens to the traditional family structure? Or the typical ritualistic patterns that many have come to depend upon? What about growing old without the entitlements of those who have chosen to live out their committed relationships, even if they are smothered, martyred, or unfilled by them? What about loneliness and the inability to count on others when needed if you haven’t been there in the ways they have wanted?

Interestingly enough, most of those so-called guarantees that are supposed to come with romantic and forever commitments do not pan out. Very few relationships maintain their spark and authentic interest over a long time when they live within limitations that quell them. What happens to people when they lead bland, predictable, selfless lives because they cannot allow themselves to be free in what they feel, want, and do in relationships that bind them? Does the freedom to be self over obligated commitments necessarily make them unable to happen?

The answer is no. People who lead self-fulfilling lives are more fun to be around. Their freedom is contagious, and their honesty inspiring. When they do make commitments, they mean them and keep them. They don’t cheat or betray. They don’t hide. They don’t have to. The partners they choose, whether for a day or a lifetime, know what to expect and are kept up-to-date, and we wouldn’t want them to be any different than they are. They may disappoint when they don’t behave as wanted or expected, but they can be totally trusted that the choices they do make are genuine.

I believe you will see more of these kinds of people emerge. They are a powerful and better alternative to the divided and manipulative relationship world we live in now. They cannot be bought, they don’t follow self-defeating philosophies, their work is not hypocritical, and they live what they preach. And willingly endure whatever consequences emerge without blaming others for those outcomes. They may be much harder to convert but much easier to know and trust.

Caveat: There are certain and significant social strategies that everyone must master in any culture that is respected and mastered by all successful people. The relationship pioneers who choose to exchange their commitment from relationship-seeking sacrifice to devotion over self-sustaining authenticity are well aware of those required behaviors and integrate them as best as they can into their choices.

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