Misunderstood in Texts? Broaden Your Emotional Vocabulary

Emotional texting: Choosing words that truly connect.

Whether planning events, sharing thoughts and feelings in the moment, or just getting to know someone, texting is a practical and effective way to connect.

But it can fall woefully inadequate when emotional sharing needs to be more precise because it is a two-dimensional and staggered form of communicating. Other than the use of emojis, texting cannot convey facial expressions, body language, voice intonation, rhythm, or touch.

Most texters, often in the midst of other experiences, may resort to the use of minimal words or symbols that cannot adequately communicate what the texter is actually feeling or experiencing in those moments. Urged to rapidly response, they may also improvise with symbolic shortcut phrases that can add to the receiver’s misunderstanding of the message.

Texting is a godsend when simple logistics need to be shared. Telling your partner when you will be available or to watch out for an arriving package does not need much explanation. But needing to connect immediately about a meaningful experience, a need, or a distress can too often be sadly misinterpreted or too delayed. The person reaching out may have no idea where the other is, what they are doing, or whether they are able to respond appropriately at that time.

There is a way that emotional messages are more likely to be heard more accurately even when time may be limited. Instead of texting in a cryptic version of the exchange of thoughts and feelings, it might be much more effective to do exactly the opposite. Expanding and deepening the vocabulary used to convey more emotionally important data is more likely to be accurately understood.

Caveat: If you are sending an emotionally laden message, always tell the person you are texting where you are, if others are around, and what you’re doing before you launch into any heavy emotional reach-out. Telling someone you are lusting for them when they are in heavy traffic is not likely to get you the response you’re looking for in the moment.

One of the best ways to expand your emotional vocabulary is to explore the many different kinds of words that can be used to describe the seven most common emotions, and to see how they can better describe an actual experience.

1. Anger

Are you just a little irritated, or are you furious about something, or anything in between? When you text your partner that you are angry, do they get what you might actually be feeling, like pain, frustration, fear, disappointment, or insecurity? Do you just say something like “I’m pissed,” and expect them to guess at the intensity of your feelings or what’s behind them? Anger and powerlessness are often bedfellows. If your partner only hears anger, they might miss what is really going on, especially if you come across blaming or judgmental, instead of what you really needed.

2. Distress

Something is upsetting you and you want your partner to understand. What about words like agitated, confused, fear of loss, anxiety, unsteady, emotionally deteriorating, or over-stressed and reactive? “I’m so upset, babe,” leaves your partner questioning and searching for what to do or say. They may try to solve your problem or feel inadequate to address what you need and pull away. You just need them to listen and be supportive but didn’t communicate that adequately.

3. Shame

Many partners turn to each other when they feel they’ve done something wrong and are afraid of reprisal or retaliation. They may feel humiliated, embarrassed, naked, or vulnerable. If they text that they are feeling distressed about something they’ve done that they feel guilty about but only give a minimum communication, their partner may try to give forgiveness too quickly, or try to detract before spending enough time exploring first.

4. Fear

Trepidation, alarm, dread, anxiety, or just jitters? What is the reason for the fear and how intense is it? “I’m just feeling a little anxious and could use some reassurance,” is not the same as “It terrifies me when you go dark and pull away from me. I feel like you’re going to disappear and I’ll never see you again.” Fear can be immobilizing and getting the right message across is crucial to quiet that emotion before it escalates. Short, concise, repeated words or phrases in a text may not communicate to a partner what is really needed in that moment.

5. Love

“I love you.” “I love you, too.” Are those words of affection, fondness, tenderness, rapture, longing, passion, or just closing comments of a text exchange? “In this moment, I feel connected to you and so glad you are part of my life,” or, “Just imagined your crooked smile and the way it pulls at my heart,” is more likely to convey that momentary experience of love.

6. Happiness

As you are writing your text, do you feel elated, joyful, ecstatic about something you’ve just witnessed, contented, or just playful? Make sure your intended text receiver is in a mood or place where they can receive that and support your bliss. It is often a disappointment when one person reaches out in a state of joy and the other just got a traffic ticket or is in a bad mood. Happiness can die quickly if the person on the other end of you is not ready to share it. “I want to share something important with you. Are you in a good place for me to share it or should I wait until later?”

7. New Hope

You’ve been in a really down place for a while, when suddenly you receive some unexpected good news. You reach out to your partner to tell them by text. “Something great just happened that is giving me hope again! Text me.” You’re expecting an immediate and supportive return text appropriate to the situation but it doesn’t happen. As time passes by, you are more disappointed and begin to feel sad again. Your partner didn’t mean anything wrong by being innocently unavailable when you most needed them. Maybe, “I have some truly special news. Please get back to me as soon as you can. I’m feeling like my luck has changed. Need you to pinch me and tell me it’s real,” would have worked better?

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