Jul 31

How to Create a Meaningful Interaction on a First Date

When getting to know someone, people can be hesitant to show their true selves.

People usually communicate in layers of increasing openness. As they feel more trusting of another, they share more of who they are. When people have known each other for a long time and their trust in one another has grown, they are more likely to share more vulnerable experiences. But when they are just getting to know each other, they are understandably reticent to risk their more vulnerable selves.

Because of this understandable hesitancy, many people limit their initial communication to superficial and safe statements until trust has been established. Sadly, the time it takes for those interactions to be more authentic may be too long, ending many relationships that might have had potential.

So many people have asked me if there was a way to know a person more deeply in a short period of time without unknowingly violating boundaries. What subjects are reasonable to inquire about and which might be inappropriate? How can you know if the other person is welcoming of your interest?

It all depends on the mindset of the inquirer. If that person’s goal is to see if the other meets a preset qualification list, they will essentially be conducting an emotional job interview. That falls into the category of “vetting” someone.

If, on the other hand, they are genuinely interested in the other person and would just like to know them better, they will show that attitude by the types of questions they ask and the observations they make.

The difference between vetting questions and genuine interest in another is that the answers to vetting questions are purely for the comfort of the person doing the asking, and do not consider the experiences or needs of the other. Statements of genuine interest are not bound by the need for a future commitment because the enjoyment of the moment is what is more important. There is no sense of potential entrapment or unwelcome vulnerability.

Here are examples of "vetting" questions and observations:

“Are you interested in a long-term relationship?”

“How do you feel about having children in your life?”

“Do you expect your partner to pay their own way?”

“Are you looking for a relationship or just fishing?”

“Are you seeing other people?”

“What are you looking for in a partner?”

“Is there anything I should know about you that would help me predict how you’re going to act in a relationship?”

Here are examples that show genuine interest:

“I’d love to know more about what you enjoy most in life.”

“You have such an easy way about you. Have you always been this way?”

“What do you treasure in the people you care about?”

“If you’re comfortable sharing, I’d be so interested in any experiences you’ve had that have been truly meaningful to you.”

“How did you come to be you?”

“Tell me some things that make you laugh.”

“If you were to describe yourself in ten words, what would they be?

When I’ve guided people as to the difference between vetting and genuine interest, they report to me that they not only enjoy themselves better in the latter interactions but that those on the other end are more receptive to continuing the relationship. They feel welcomed and that they matter, often showing more genuine interest in return.

The following 5 steps will show you how to master this type of interaction:

1. Approach each new dating interaction as an adventure, as if you were visiting a place you’ve never been before. You would be there to learn, not to conquer or control. You’d want to know the customs and behaviors of the people there and be certain not to intrude or offend, and it’s okay if you stay an hour or a lifetime. Your stance would be open and interested without needing to pry. What comes is what comes and you do not have an intent to make it any different than it is.

2. Watch for non-verbal cues. They make up more than ninety percent of all communication. Physical posturing and distance, facial expressions, voice intonation, and timing can tell you a lot about who a person is. Your aim is to “emotionally dance,” so you need to match the rhythm of the person on the other end of you.

If you are nervous and the conversation is moving a little too fast for you, ask the other person to please slow down because you don’t want to miss what they are saying. If it is too slow, ask them if you are talking too fast for them. It’s all about non-judgmental readjusting.

3. Show the person you’re with that you are sincerely interested. Even if you are never going to be with them again, make sure the experience they have with you leaves them feeling welcome and supported, just like having a person at your home for dinner who is from a different country. Hospitality doesn’t cost anything and most often pays off in emotional dividends.

4. Ask them if there is anything they would like to know about you and that you’d be glad to answer honestly if you can do so without compromising your own comfort or integrity. Most people are respectful if you tell them that you’d rather know them better before you share that part of yourself.

5. Graciously end the interaction thanking them for the time you’ve spent together. If you don’t want to continue, just be honest. “I’ve had a great time but am into meeting a lot of new people right now before I get more involved.” If they don’t make further plans, tell them that you truly wish them a wonderful life and mean it.

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