5 Crucial Pillars of Trust: The Foundation of Relationship Success

Jan 22

How to build trust through shared values, mutual support, vulnerability, and growth.

Every relationship partner I have ever encountered wants to be able to count on the other in times of need. If there is a breach of that expectation, the relationship cannot thrive.

Though each committed couple has a unique definition of what counting on the other means, they rarely achieve success unless the five following pillars of trust are part of that commitment.

Pillar 1: Mutual Devotion to the Same Ethos

Strong and intact multigenerational cultural norms help people to behave in ways that honor ancestors and children not yet born. But in Western societies today, those wise elders may be far away or no longer regarded as guideposts. There is also wider diversity and less clarity about what is right or wrong for each partnership. Each couple has to decide on what beliefs and actions work best for them, and they maintain that standard whether or not they are in each other’s presence.

“I can trust my partner without reservation because we agree on how we should be in our relationship. We share the same morals and beliefs and challenge each other if or when either of us feels they are not serving us the way they need to anymore. We know that negative surprises are never okay and never would sell each other out.”

“I would never make an impulsive decision if it were to risk losing this relationship. I respect my partner too much to do something that could break our trust in each other. It’s not about getting away with something. It’s about a sacred agreement. We operate on a single standard because that is the only thing that works”

Pillar 2: Priority During Crises

The partners in a committed relationship must constantly choose how to distribute their common resources such as time, availability, finances, and options. Sometimes that means that the relationship gets put on a back burner for a bit, but when either needs the other, nothing else matters.

“We both work full-time and have to manage a house and kids and our mutual commitment to our community. That sometimes means a lot of time away from each other. But if either one of us is overloaded or in trouble, nothing else matters. We are immediately there for the other, no questions asked.”

“My partner would never take advantage of me. When we make an agreement, we follow through. Because we don’t ask for more unless we really need it, we both totally trust the other never to take advantage. If that “I need you” alarm goes off, we are immediately each other’s first priority.”

Pillar 3: Sacred Vulnerability Honored

Committed relationship partners let each other into their most vulnerable and sacred places. As they build trust in each other, they share the traumas and embarrassment they have endured earlier in their lives. They both know they can trust the other never to share those stories with anyone else without their permission.

“I finally broke down and told my partner that I was molested as a kid. I needed to believe that my confession and shame would never be told to another unless I was okay with it. I know I can trust that promise.”

“When our first son was born, I broke down and told my partner that I’d left a child behind when I was a teenager because I was so young and afraid. I’ve never heard from the child but always feared it might happen. I know my secret is safe with my partner.”

Pillar 4: Parent/Child Crisscross

We are always all the ages we’ve ever been, and anything can trigger a painful memory that makes us return to the age when it happened. At that time, we are not just acting that age, we feel that we are that age, as if the trauma were recurring in that moment.

When that happens to either partner, the other immediately responds as a kind and nonjudgmental symbolic parent, making room for the trauma to emerge without judgment.

“When my brother died in the accident, I could not hold back the tears. It was so hard for me to drop my walls and to cry from that level of pain. I was so humiliated and fearful of looking stupid. My partner held the space for me to fall apart and never made me feel bad about what I thought was weakness.”

“I learned to go inward as a child when I was hurting. No one was there. My partner never takes it personally when I retreat, but just waits patiently for me to come out when I feel safe. I’m learning to stay present and not run because of that trust.”

Pillar 5: No Ownership of the Other

Trusting that your partner would never want you with them if you would truly be more fulfilled somewhere else is the measure of true devotion. If either partner begins to feel trapped within the relationship, both do all they can to make more room for those new needs to make the need to leave dissolve. But if they cannot and the other must go, there is no attempt to keep them there by obligation or guilt.

“We married so young and we both gave up everything for our medical careers. Then, one day, I knew I needed to serve the world in a bigger way and told my partner I wanted to join Doctors Without Borders. I knew it would cause a painful disruption of our family but I just couldn’t go on the way I was. I feared my partner would try to hold me back but that never happened. We loved each other too much to let our relationship ever stand in the way of a hunger that deep.”

“We met young and grew up off of each other. We both agreed that nothing would ever come between our devotion to each other and our common dreams. I noticed that my partner was becoming more and more distant, yet knew somehow it wasn’t about us. We talked it through for a long time and we realized that our heterosexual relationship was no longer fulfilling for my partner. I knew we had to part, but have never felt resentment or rejection, only that destiny had to be served for things to be right for us.”

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